In the midst of life we are in death. -Episcopalians at the graveside

"Attack of the Five Foot Ten Woman"/ the only episode in which I don't see CB as the fabulous power woman she is. Even when she is cheated on, throwing rocks at windows, getting drunk and making out with every wrong guy in New York. She feels sorry for herself after she sees Big and Natasha's wedding column. Which brings me to the question.. Does a persons out-loud insecurities affect the way everyone else sees them? 

The other day I met a woman who has kept a journal for 10 years. I wish to do the same because when we're gone, all that we leave is our physical belongings, pictures and our words. Photos and physical belongings can convey only so much.

Glossy girls

It's funny- us girls just want the world to love us for who we are. Simple as that. Appreciate the fact that I read. Love me because I daydream. Fall in love with me because I like documentaries and reading old history textbooks. Tell me you like when I do tiny, weird things that others don't do. The fact that I could stay in a library, mall, or any public place for an extended amount of time and people watch and appreciate my day by myself. The fact that I love being by myself with nothing to do. That I'm fast and messy and I make mistakes and I spill stuff and I eat in the car, I chip my nails, and I never fail to get food in my hair. 

That I like learning about the Presidents and that I like Greek mythology and Disney movies but also macabre topics and have a fascination with death and spirits and hauntings. 

That I obsess over a different movie, book, country, celebrity, car, era etc every week. 

I don't remember the last time I was commended or complimented on being different or intelligent or creative. Even obsessive would be a compliment. 

That's why I, and a lot of other girls, instead spend about an hour getting ready. Sure I like to be attractive. But if we weren't so measured by our looks versus our minds and habits and interests, I doubt we'd all be so superficial. 

So then people see us, and judge us, and then are surprised to find out that we like to visit museums, that some of us actually enjoy watching manly sports, that we like to read.. (Not just Cosmopolitan) that we have an in-depth knowledge on foreign fashion, that we could have a full-on conversation on topics that vary from Bush's administration to Marchesa's 2014 Fall line to the Cowboy's defensive line. 

Our lipgloss to them reads: "I like going shopping and um, what are politics? Ew sports- that one guy that throws the football is cute though."

And that's what they'll think. They'll judge a book by its cover and it's first three pages and then close it, skip it and we're left alone with no one to talk to about anything remotely interesting. 

But once in a while, when a daring person tries to test the waters- see if the glossy girl has anything to offer the world, they are surprised. And it's funny to hear someone go off on so many tangents in disbelief that a glossy girl could have any idea about the world around her.

Some might find it offensive, but not I. I rejoice in being judged and then proving people wrong. 

Robert Pattinson and Ryan Gosling are two of a kind. They portray two of the most coveted Romeos of this generation: Noah and Edward. Both represent the romantic fiction every girl wants: a passionate, pure love that stands the test of time. In both stories though, this love would not be possible with Bella and Allie's male counterparts. It is the guy, not the girl, that creates this beautiful love story that evey girl nowadays covets. We all want this beautiful man with old-fashioned morals and mannerisms who comes in and sweeps us off our feet, who sees only us. 

What I want goes a but deeper though. I want a man who likes classical music. Who truly believes his world is empty without me. Recites ancient poetry and opens the door. Holds my hand in the car every time. Plays the piano. Writes a song after me. Jumps on the carousels after me. Takes me dancing in the street. Begins a labor of love after me. 

Some might say these are grand expectations- but I think they're reasonable. I'm not asking for a man with a Cullen bank account. I'm not even asking for vampire looks or vampire wardrobe. 

I think it's reasonable to wait for a guy who's worth it. A guy who was brought up with patience, responsibility, humility, a guy willing to put everything of his on the line for one girl. One woman, somebody secure and happy and healthy.

A fairy tale in most peoples eyes; achievable in mine. 

I want to float around coffee shops and libraries and walk streets and parks and read books and listen to music- but not bother anyone, just watch, learn, love my characters and actual living characters but not be one of them- but become all of them at the same time. Breathe them in and become everything I experience- true or not. Because all things, imaginary and fictitious are real, they are someone's idea and ideas are just as real as people. They're made by people so they are people.

October

October again in Texas.. The leaves start falling, weather starts dropping, State Fair of Texas arrives with it's fried concoctions, college football revs up, ESPN scores echo through my house, Dallas Cowboys gear everywhere, the foggy car windows defrost while the cars heat up, loud sports bars.. It's pretty much what the Texas is about. 

 My obsession with Halloween isn't shallow- it runs very deep into my subconcious.. It's more of a hobby, an excuse to channel all my ideas and obsessions into a project- a clear template I can work magic on. I feel like it's possible to be anyone or anything.. It's a rush to visit a Halloween store, specially for a movie addict like me. I feel so invincible, like I could emulate a Grecian Goddess'  statuesque manner of walking by wearing a long white dress like Athena.. Like my words could flow like honey if I piled on glitter on my wrists and neck like Daisy Buchanan.. I become immersed in Halloween projects.

It's not only the projects though, it's nostalgia I love about this holiday too. The whole month, I watch all Halloweentowns on Disney Channel along with other kitschy family Halloween movies, and certainly not to mention my love for horror films- of all kinds.