At an attempt to keep my private life private on this blog, I've refrained from writing about anything too specific pertaining to my relationship. But a huge milestone is upon my boyfriend and I: 5 years ago we started dating. And yet, as I read that sentence aloud, I find a very troubling problem with the wording.
First of all, my "boyfriend" is not really my "boyfriend". He is a person who I met in high school, who's layers have been shed and coatings have been built. He is the chill factor in us. He is a dreamer, like I am. He is an introvert unlike I am. To himself, unless sought for, unless he is interested in what you have to say. I am very outgoing, he says I speak to other people too much when we are out, I am "too friendly".. He likes quiet places. I like loud places, with chaos and loud music and a swarm of humans. He goes with the flow, almost always my flow. I am a planner.. I do it months ahead, I do lists and itineraries, I take care of tickets and expense planning. He flies with it. He is unsure of many things pertaining to himself, unlike I am. I have a set view on how I should be, a strict view; a modern day, casual, Texan, family-oriented, messy, traveling, yoga-doing, peaceful, giving Carrie Bradshaw. He is very passionate like I am. He has a free heart. He is an artist, I am a writer. I'm very aware of my world on paper, he is very aware of the world around him. He is who i called the other day, tears welling in my sockets, stressed beyond belief about school. He is who dismissively tells me I'm overreacting and not to stress.. And to digress, I need "dismissively". I need "chill-factor". I need the quiet sometimes.
Without him dismissing my stressful call, I would probably drive myself crazy. He knows me and knows that dismissing me is the only way to calm me down. He walks me through the process of calming down and knows the perfect tone to use with me, knows that any crack in his facade could lead to a surge of tears. We both have a mutual understanding that this is what needs to be done. And I appreciate it beyond words.
I am dramatic. Not to belittle my emotions that day, but I'm very poor with emotions. Bad, good.. They wash over anything else. I'm always very white or very black. I'm seldom gray and when I'm gray, I pick a side. He is very white and black as well, but when it comes to stress, anger and sadness, he's dealt with it better than I have. I'm very manic and he is better at hiding his emotions or back seating them.
My boyfriend is not my "boyfriend" and I say that only because when I tell anyone that he is my boyfriend, I see a picture of sweaty-palmed us walking through halls with bright red lockers in the background. Sweaty-palmed us with no actual real issues other than which color we'd wear to prom or who we had dated prior to each other.
This is why I will never have a label for him. Our relationship goes beyond anything I could ever pick a word for. It's been a high thing, a low thing, a middle thing.. At first not even really a "thing" at all.. Just some "thing." My boyfriend, keeper, lover, best friend. Still, he's never been my Elvis, it's never been a blind love. It's always been exactly what it looks like. We've made mistakes that I don't really consider mistakes and we'll make many more mistakes in the future. I'm counting on it. I never signed up for anything perfect, I thrive in chaos, in learning and in the abstract of humanity. He is the blue I never knew I needed and if he could play the violin, I could name all the American presidents names backwards. He is the rain that ruins your plans. The overcast skies that turn everything completely upside down. The best-ever rainy day, a floor length pink chiffon dress and black suit running into the woods together hand in hand, milky mud below them and a blue fog around them.
I'll always be picky about words because that is the nature of any writer but maybe I could call him my fiancé just because I like the way the "é" sounds creamy. I also like the term Valentine but that's probably just because I'm obsessed with anything that's unorthodox and fascinated with the macabre tale from which the term originated. Maybe I also like the fact that I could use temporary terms for something that isn't defined by time or space. I'm running by my own rules. Maybe I could be his forever fiancé and maybe I'll just call him my blue valentine.
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