Self-Indulgence

I had quite an emotional day today.. Pretty average if you know me, but nonetheless emotional. I was watching Baz Luhrrman's masterpiece Romeo & Juliet from 1996 (yes the Leo one) and I was at home, not quite feeling like myself when I had a surge of anger and anxiety flood through me.. I had several choices: I could sit home and sulk, sit home and read and then be reminded and sulk, or I could release the Kraken (I also watched 300: Rise of an Empire recently.. That's the same genre as the Kraken movie right?) so I decided the latter. I needed to release some physical energy so I decided to go on a run. Sounds innocent enough but when you take into account that it was 9 pm and I decided to go alone, sans car to a park almost a mile from my house, it was quite a risk. And while I am all too naive, even I realized that this is a story that ends up on the 9 o clock news with a bad ending. I could not bear the risk of staying at home though.. My sanity was at stake here, right?  So my naïveté won in the end and I found myself at the park. I listened to "Exit Music for a Film" by Radiohead and something inside me was released, as I had hoped. It was shelled inside me, but I had unraveled it and with every mile I ran, I let everything go. I'm not sure what It was but I felt new again, like I haven't in months. It's very telling to be alone with yourself for large amounts of time. You can either devolve into loneliness or you can learn to grow, and love to grow. I felt okay by myself- I feel like I evolve more and think more appropriately when I am worried about myself. I listened to the song and I felt so amazing. Maybe it was the movie, the song, or the weather. Maybe it was just that I was one with my thoughts- no one else, no conflicts, no pessimism. 

 I've learned that there are times which if you do not listen to yourself at your laziest, craziest most self indulgent times, you will lose a piece of yourself.. You can lose many pieces, many times without reminding yourself of the magic that is you.

I've grown up and let myself become very self-indulgent because of my whimsical, selfish portrait of life and I don't know when I'm doing more help than harm but I know most of the time what feels right, just feels right and there is nothing else. Even when something hurtful feels right something much harder feels even more right.. So it's not a matter of hurting yourself with doing what you want, but a matter of knowing you're doing what you will want in the long run. 

Whether it's a semi-dangerous late night jog, a place that triggers memories, an old sad song you can't bring yourself to hear, a spur of the moment trip to the lake, a confession you've been wanting to reveal, or something as harmless as a midnight run to Whataburger by yourself.. Listen to your mind, because chances are that it is not the trip itself that will reveal something but the thoughts you allow yourself to hear when you are in a self-loving place. 

Lose yourself in love, in music, in being alone. Just don't lose yourself.