Every Now and Then The Stars Align

I grew up with a cynical mindset about mostly everything.. Love, myths, conspiracies, superstitions, tales, etc. so naturally, even at a young age, I also scoffed at the idea of astrology and that the month you are born in can have any kind of tell on the kind of person you are.

However as I've grown up, I've opened my mind to many, many things and so recently I became slightly interested in Zodiac signs and I found them to be brutally, creepily true. There are so many people I identified so strongly with their charts that I didn't even consider that any one zodiac was being over-generalized.. One couldn't possibly fit into another. 

I also found that you could read about the compatibility with another zodiac sign and was instantly suckered in.. The results were so shockingly close to my actual relationship, some actions and feelings dating back as far as 4 years ago, up until recently. The ones that rung most true were as follows:   

• Where Gemini is adaptable, intellectual, outgoing and chatty, Scorpio tends to be secretive, focused, intense and determined. 
• Gemini tends to take things lightly, including their lover; Scorpio, on the other hand, has a very deep need for emotional connection and intimacy.
• Scorpio is generally very loyal to their lover and very connected to the relationship.
• This relationship tends to be highly passionate and can often be characterized by arguments;
• Gemini loves a good debate, considering it the epitome of mental stimulation
• Gemini's flirtatiousness tends to grate on Scorpio’s jealous, possessive nerves.
• They have lots of adventures together, but if things get too tense and arguments start to turn negative, they must make the effort to reconcile if they value the relationship and want it to last.
• Scorpio is generally quite concerned with sexual and emotional intimacy; they need much reassurance that their lover values the relationship as much as they do. 
• Gemini has excellent communicative abilities
• Gemini can’t and won’t fake a commitment they don’t feel, so intense Scorpio must learn to back off a bit.
• Scorpio is a master strategist; if there’s a decision to be made or a project at hand, they can help flighty Gemini focus on the best options.
• Gemini, in turn, teaches Scorpio to let go and move on when their efforts are thwarted.
• Scorpio’s emotional manipulations can prove to dampen Gemini’s natural energy and enthusiasm. Also, airy Gemini can leave Scorpio’s deep waters feeling choppy, rough and disturbed.
• Gemini tends to do things on a whim, just for the experience, contrary to Scorpio, who almost always has a plan.
• Scorpio can use their focus and determination to help teach Gemini the value in finishing things before jumping headlong into the next experience. 
• Gemini provides the reasoning and brain power and Scorpio brings their healthy dollop of appeal, emotionalism and passion 
•  Both of them are curious lovers and so they can be entirely fascinated with one another. But the very differences that attracted them to each other in the first place can turn into serious issues as time goes on.
• They try to tame each other in their own ways.
• The Gemini girl is a very clever and intellectual human being but her mind never settles, and her thoughts are always in a fantasy land. She wants someone fun, someone exciting, and someone who can stimulate her imagination. This makes it difficult to convince her to become deeply involved with any one person. But at the same time she is very romantic and brightly sensitive person who can manage to show affection with ease.
• Scorpio male falls for the Gemini female’s bubbly charm and intellect, her clever conversations and the delicate nature she gives out. After the newness wears off he begins to reevaluate how much he really adores her charm and bubbly attitude.
• awe of her starts to be replaced with jealousy which causes her to rethink such a relationship also. Although she feels that her he is constantly trying to pin her down and control her every move, she must realize how deep rooted his love for her really is. 
• If the Scorpio man feels that his Gemini woman is trying to change him from the very deep leveled roots he was born with, it becomes very difficult for him to take it. In such a situation, he just needs to understand that it is just her whimsical ways of trying to tell him to back off and let her have some room.

This is only a taste of all the different ways that I read about how these two zodiac signs interact and counteract with one another. I couldn't really find any thing we didn't fit into. It's very interesting and almost mystical that a bond of human love can have a mystical force affect it because of the way the planets in our universe are positioned. Very mystical indeed. 

Self-Indulgence

I had quite an emotional day today.. Pretty average if you know me, but nonetheless emotional. I was watching Baz Luhrrman's masterpiece Romeo & Juliet from 1996 (yes the Leo one) and I was at home, not quite feeling like myself when I had a surge of anger and anxiety flood through me.. I had several choices: I could sit home and sulk, sit home and read and then be reminded and sulk, or I could release the Kraken (I also watched 300: Rise of an Empire recently.. That's the same genre as the Kraken movie right?) so I decided the latter. I needed to release some physical energy so I decided to go on a run. Sounds innocent enough but when you take into account that it was 9 pm and I decided to go alone, sans car to a park almost a mile from my house, it was quite a risk. And while I am all too naive, even I realized that this is a story that ends up on the 9 o clock news with a bad ending. I could not bear the risk of staying at home though.. My sanity was at stake here, right?  So my naïveté won in the end and I found myself at the park. I listened to "Exit Music for a Film" by Radiohead and something inside me was released, as I had hoped. It was shelled inside me, but I had unraveled it and with every mile I ran, I let everything go. I'm not sure what It was but I felt new again, like I haven't in months. It's very telling to be alone with yourself for large amounts of time. You can either devolve into loneliness or you can learn to grow, and love to grow. I felt okay by myself- I feel like I evolve more and think more appropriately when I am worried about myself. I listened to the song and I felt so amazing. Maybe it was the movie, the song, or the weather. Maybe it was just that I was one with my thoughts- no one else, no conflicts, no pessimism. 

 I've learned that there are times which if you do not listen to yourself at your laziest, craziest most self indulgent times, you will lose a piece of yourself.. You can lose many pieces, many times without reminding yourself of the magic that is you.

I've grown up and let myself become very self-indulgent because of my whimsical, selfish portrait of life and I don't know when I'm doing more help than harm but I know most of the time what feels right, just feels right and there is nothing else. Even when something hurtful feels right something much harder feels even more right.. So it's not a matter of hurting yourself with doing what you want, but a matter of knowing you're doing what you will want in the long run. 

Whether it's a semi-dangerous late night jog, a place that triggers memories, an old sad song you can't bring yourself to hear, a spur of the moment trip to the lake, a confession you've been wanting to reveal, or something as harmless as a midnight run to Whataburger by yourself.. Listen to your mind, because chances are that it is not the trip itself that will reveal something but the thoughts you allow yourself to hear when you are in a self-loving place. 

Lose yourself in love, in music, in being alone. Just don't lose yourself. 

Breaking Upwards

I've never done it. Okay- lies. I've done it once before, but it was in high school and it was my first "love" and we all know that doesn't really count. What really counts is your first love.

Again- lies. I've done it many, many times. But only once with a mindset that it was permanent. Other times, for whatever reason. "Get away from me." "I can't believe you did that." "I messed up badly and I don't wanna deal with the repercussions so I'll break up with you until you deal with it on your own." "I just read old emails and I'm wondering why you don't get me flowers anymore." 

All of the above have come out of my mouth, believe it or not. Yes, I've been a bitch. No, I don't regret it. Being a bitch has gotten me into a lot of turmoil I've had to build a thick skin to get out of. 

Regardless, I've broken up lots of times but never gone through a real break-up. 

Many times, on the verge and with a full intent of breaking up, I would get emotional and confess all my love and start to be really sweet and understanding so of course the most sane thought would be as follows: "Why are we breaking up in the first place?" So then I would trigger what would become a circle. These circles would happen over and over and over and there wouldn't be any space between them until they stopped. And everything was perfect. But still something was missing. 

As wrong as it might sound to say this, I would imagine my own break-up. A sudden push and pull. A revelation. A skeleton in a closet. A huge, apocalyptic fight. Another person, maybe. A final straw.

It is much more complex than that though. It doesn't happen all at once- no, that would be too good to be true. 

Breakups are slow. First, you stop including each other, you begin to make more and more plans without them. If you do try to make plans with them at times, it becomes too much of a mental hassle that you would just rather not. You hear random tones, words, thoughts. All hinting at what you would rather just turn your cheek at. Too many bones broken, too many times, too many hours, tears, years. You start to wonder how it wasn't that trip or that spring fling two years ago that shredded everything apart.. It was everything along the way. Moments when you decided to keep quiet, nothing to say. Moments you decided to stop yelling, stop fighting. You stopped fighting for each other, then you stopped fighting each other, then you just stopped fighting, then you just stopped. Everything stopped, and everyday slowly became a fuzzy blur of just barely keeping track of each other.. Emotions under wraps, careful not to make a mess. 

I have a theory. My theory is that this is not an end to a relationship, but a point. A point in very many emotional, tumultuous relationships that most people don't get past. Sometimes, it's best for both parties to wave a white flag and move on with their lives. 

I read a beautiful anecdote once that is true when it pertains to people, but also when it pertains to human relationships: 

"Dying is easy. Living is the hard part."

I believe whole-heartedly that breaking-up with someone you want to be with is taking the easier route. Notice I didn't say easy but easier. There is no easy route, but once two people have changed and hurt each other too much, it is much more convenient to start over with someone who's a perfect fit and the complete opposite of your ex. 

Trying is harder. Trying to rid yourself of the past and of old mannerisms and old memories is a bitch. That's why so many people call it quits. While it is true that some are just attempting to get out of toxic relationships, most of the time, you are both contributing to the toxicity of your relationship; therefore it can be undone.

I used to be very Tumblr about my relationships. I would carry one truth with me around everywhere at all times. It was my go-to advice to others and I was loyal to it. "What's meant to happen will."

What I thought it meant was that if something doesn't work out, it just will not. You move on, and trust that fate will take care of your broken little heart. I then met a boy who completely crushed my truth; "That's such bullshit. If you really love somebody you don't care about what's supposed to happen. They are what's supposed to happen. You make it happen, no matter what."

That was almost five years ago.. My truth changed then and there. 

Every now and then I read articles and blog posts that really get to me.. Some as sensitively titled as: "When You Should Know It's Over" or I see a girl's picture of herself freshly-coupled up a month after a break up or I just hear some kind of comment about how staying together is twisted logic.. and my reaction to that is a 17 year old boy's wise words: "Thats such bullshit. If you really love somebody you don't care about what's supposed to happen. They are what's supposed to happen. You make it happen, no matter what.